Absorbing the cost

This morning I did something I don't recall ever doing before, and tore down a piece of paper taped to the traffic light pole while was I was waiting to cross the street. I thought it was one of the silliest, most unhelpful, pointless thoughts I'd come across taped up in a public space in a long time, so I removed it. This is what it said:

Sick of blaming yourself? Ever thought of adopting an abusive parent?

And that is all. I think some of it had already been torn off.

But where is the point in pursuing that idea? As I heard John Chapman say once "there's no future in that".

The thing is, I know some people had abusive parents, or manipulative parents, or parents who just weren't paying attention. And I know some people have a lot of wreckage in their life to deal with as a result of their parenting. And that is sad. Incredibly sad. But your parents, perhaps, also got it from their parents, who got it from theirs, and pretty soon you're back at Adam and Eve. Your own parents weren't going to single-handedly turn the tide on original sin. You and I probably won't either.

I am nearly finished Relationships: A Mess Worth Making by Lane and Tripp (I've taken a circuitous route). It's a very good book, very simply written (you can tell that they have deliberately kept the writing very simple, to convey their ideas clearly, and anyone who can read could read the book). The chapters on 'Obstacles' and 'Forgiveness' I found particularly good.

And I think a lot of people need to forgive their parents, in some way or another.

One thing that they wrote, which I thought was worth pondering was "When you forgive someone, you also cancel a debt. But, more specifically, you make a conscious choice to absorb the cost yourself". We probably all just nod our head like we've heard it a thousand times before over the first sentence, but think about the second sentence.

So, in the case of parents who were less than ideal, you say to yourself, well I am screwed up in this way because my parents got it wrong, deliberately or otherwise, but I choose to forgive them and absorb the cost myself - be that ten years of counselling or whatever else it is you do to recover from the damage. That's cancelling the debt. That's forgiveness.

A few weeks ago Chris Allen gave a fantastic sermon on forgiveness at the healing service, to tie in with steps 8 and 9 of the 12 step recovery program, and he said that as Christians we can live like forgiveness is an optional extra. But that's because we don't take seriously the parable of Matthew 18: 21-34 and think we, as the exception to the rest of humanity, have some right or reason to be unforgiving. We don't.

Then he said "unforgiveness is always self-centred". And I thought, yes, wow, that is so true! Digest that thought.

End of lunch time rant prompted by the traffic-light-pole poster.

Note: There is lots else in Lane and Tripps book about wisdom and forgiving and I know some situations are complicated, dangerous even, and don't mean to be simplistic or unsympathetic here. You can read the rest of their chapter for further discussion.