It's been dark here

It’s hard to recall what blew out the flame

It’s been dark here since you can remember

Talk it all through to find it a name

As days go on by without number

Sara Groves It Might be Hope

I keep falling into the slough of despond lately, and having to claw my way out of it. And sometimes it feels like the only way to stay out of it is to just not think about the state of my life, or the disappointment is just too overwhelming. Then I wonder what it was that I had so wrong that God thought it necessary to make me such an example of human failure. And then I wonder why God thinks it’s best that I be single and spend every Saturday wandering about by myself. Is that because I am just no good at relationships? And I wouldn’t be any good at being somebody’s mother? And then I wonder whose daily life would be significantly impacted if I just ceased to exist? And the honest answer to that question is: nobody’s. And then I am out in the very middle of the slough and going under ...

Then, when I was already feeling that way, I read this review of Captivating by Amelia Haines and, being quite surprised at how positive it was, I sought out the copy a friend leant me and thought I’d have another go at it (previous attempts have left me unimpressed and I didn't finish it). I have to confess that, while I am drawn to parts of it, I also want to just throw it out the window. And that’s because I am up to the chapter with sections titled “romance and relationships: the answer to loneliness” about how women are relational creatures to their core, then “an adventure to share” about our longing for an irreplaceable role to play in some grand adventure and then a “beauty to unveil” about how women want to be known and considered beautiful etc. I don’t necessarily disagree with those longings (though I do disagree with other things, and agree with Nicole's review here), but they just don’t seem to have anything to do with my life ... I have the most boring and dispensable job in the world (well, it's close), I don’t have a lot of relationships, let alone a romantic one, and who actually cares what I look like (plus there’s all the usual stuff in there about girls and their fathers, which only means something to me by virtue of it’s absence). Delving into all that just feels like it’s not going to be helpful, at least not now when I just don’t have the energy to wade through it ...

I know all the things that are wrong with my thinking up until this point, and I know what I need to think to change it (I just need to read my own previous post about impossible things), and I don’t need anyone to tell me to trust God and teach Sunday School, and I don’t need charity friends either ... (and I also presume, and hope, that Captivating points to God as the answer to those longings, though the fact that Amelia wants men to read it, seemingly with their wives in view, and what I have read so far, makes me suspect it’s helpfulness for single women is limited). And I know that as evangelicals we won’t approve of the song I quoted from above either, because it’s about feeling a rather intangible sort of hope, and we have to hold on to Christ as a more objective hope than that (but I like it anyway).

And so at this point I shall just take my miserable self away and go and dig up a sermon I copied out verbatim once by John MacArthur called "Rejoicing Always".

(And I am cheered that I googled that and found it available online. It's good. MacArthur lists ten reasons for rejoicing always, followed by ten common hindrances to that rejoicing. The final section on "feelings" is pertinent.)