The Nonny Enticement Pt 1 - A Story

I have a few blog posts that I have been meaning to write for a long time. At times there were reasons not to write them, because the story was still unfolding, because I didn't want to embarass the person concerned, and because God only knows what sort of "stuff" I may have lived to regret I said as I worked it through.

But the time has now come. The story, for the time being, has unfolded, I'll reveal later why the person concerned has no need to be embarassed, and, by the grace of God, I think I have worked it through.

So, for those of you who don't use the kind of lingo one hilarious friend of mine uses, a "nonny" is a non-Christian guy, or equally a girl. Relationships with nonnies is a temptation I thought I was immune too. I'd resisted for years and never given it a serious thought. That's before I met him (haven't you all heard that before). So, I'll tell you my story, so you know that I really do understand this particular enticement, and have had occasion to think it through in the hard places, and then later I'll move onto some more general things I have to say about this business of dating nonnies.

For the purposes of these posts I thought I'd use the code name I gave to him, that being Ignus fatuus. But that's a bit clumsy and a friend who talked me through some of this business, much as he liked my code name, said it sounded like what he used to try with the boys at school, except that perhaps that was ignis flatuus, so we'll make it Rochester (because why not - if you're going to be enticed by somebody who is off-limits then you might as well call him Rochester).

So, early last year (2007) I went along to a certain ordination service, for the purpose of helping my friend Sally (not her real name) with her three kids, while her husband Pete (not his real name either obviously, but some of you are going to work this out) was being ordained, and cheering Pete on of course. Pete's best mate (that being Rochester) from his days in the Navy had also come along to witness this ordination. Sally and I and the kids were running a little late, after gathering up children and supplies, so I said a brief hello as I climbed over Rochester to get further into the pew. Then we sat through two whole hours of this ordination service with four small children between us. Afterwards as we squatted on the floor and gathered up pencils, books and chip packets from the mosaic-tiled floor we exchanged proper hellos, then joined the queue to get out of the Cathedral. Knowing that this was Pete's friend who’d come along I was making an effort to be friendly and by the time we made it down the aisle we had strangely covered a fair amount of ground. Afterwards we milled around over morning tea, during which Rochester was being extremely kind and kept offering to fetch me drinks, passing me food and talking to me as though he liked talking to me. By the time morning tea was over I walked to my car thinking 'he is such a nice guy'. (But note this and the irony of it: I didn't go out looking for a non-Christian, I met one at an Ordination service inside the Cathedral.)

At this time I was actually the co-leader of the military bible study, which operated as one of the bible study groups in my church, which was partly being led by another fellow in the Navy. Having never met Rochester before, in the course of many military-type events, I asked Pete if this guy was someone we should follow up (since Rochester himself had insisted on coming to the ordination service). Pete said yes sure (with a caution in there about the guy/girl thing) and in the process affirmed to me that "he really is a great guy".

I didn't think there was too much further I could do about this, but on a Monday a week later, after I had been thinking and praying about this scenario and the fact that this guy was a little stuck in my head, I was walking up Market St in the rain, later than usual because I was going to meet a friend for dinner and Rochester, who works nowhere near the city, was walking down York St, also on his way to meet a friend visiting from Canberra for dinner, and we basically collided on the corner. So, we say hi, then he steers me off the foothpath out of the rain (yes, this was a Hollywood moment) and we went and stood under an awning and chatted for a while. So, there I was looking up into the light blue eyes of the most physically attractive man I'd ever met, talking in the rain and most importantly, he said he'd come along to church. I hurried off to meet my friend with a smile I couldn't quite wipe off my face.

So, the following Sunday I am hoping and praying he would come to church. He wasn't there when it started and I didn't see him come in anytime after that and was feeling the disappointment when I stand up during the break we had in the middle of the service and there he is sitting in the very back pew. I don't know how he managed it, because security is fairly tight in the building, but he'd snuck in the back somewhere. So, I went and sat with him, because I'd encouraged him to come (and Pete, his ordained friend, was actually preaching this evening, which I had used as leverage :), and couldn't sit with him). Aside from the fact that I needed a telescope to see what was happening in the service that was a good night, and we talked for some time in the pew afterwards.

He came back to church when he could two weeks later. We talked, then he walked me to my car and when we reached the carpark asked me if I would like to catch up for coffee sometime. I said "yes", because we all know that coffee is not being asked "out" don't we, and it was hardly the time or place to tell him why I couldn’t date non-Christians.

So I prayed like crazy for the three days before coffee, and Pete and Sally, who really didn’t like this development, did to. Because he’d been along to church it was fairly easy for me to ask him what he thought of what he’d been hearing and so began a long conversation about Christianity, Catholicism (he is a Catholic) and the like. Rochester is not lacking in intelligence or perception and so eventually he said to me “so does your faith mean that I couldn’t ask you out sometime?”, which was an answer to prayer about when and how I might tell him that, should the need arise. I had to say yes, obviously, but also let him know that it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. That was a sad moment. But being the gentleman that he is he still walked me to the bus, waited with me till it came, then we parted company. I thought that might have been the end of it and spent a good while kneeling by my bed praying my heart out about the whole thing (I am not usually one of those pious people who kneels on the floor to pray, but that night there didn’t seem to be anything else to do). The following week Pete caught up with Rochester, had a long conversation about Christianity (to Pete’s amazement), and Rochester agreed to come along and do the Simply Christianity course at my church. I tried not to let hope soar, but it did.

So Rochester went through the course, came along to church occasionally in the meantime, and on the last night I was especially praying like mad, hoping he’d make some kind of commitment. He didn’t that night, but I continued to hope and pray. It was actually ANZAC day the following day and so I caught a bus in to city at 3:30am to go to the Dawn service and then watch him and my bible study co-leader march with the Navy. Between the service and the march he took me to breakfast, insisted on paying, continued to be devastatingly nice to me, then over a coffee I tried to ask him what he had thought of the course, to which he replied that he liked it, but that it hadn’t really changed anything for him. I feel like I almost shut down the rest of that conversation, because it was just too hard and disappointing to have. Then I knew I just had to get out of there because otherwise I’d want to stay forever, so I saw him off at the start of his march and went off to find the wife and kids of my friend from bible study.

That was essentially the end of it. There are other bits and pieces and we maintain a friendship and he actually came along to Burn Your Plastic Jesus, the Mark Driscoll event in the Sydney Entertainment Centre, with me in August this year, but sadly, his entrenched Catholicism seems to prevent him seeing the clear light of the gospel.

I don’t know why this particular guy got to me. He just did. He was attractive, chivalrous, responsible, caring, sociable and humourous (made me and everybody laugh), a natural leader (he’s a Commander in the Navy, and according to someone I know who was trained by him he “runs a tight ship, but is a very funny guy” – nice) and had a certain something that charmed whoever he met. He came along to watch Pete graduate from Theological College and when I introduced him to people who I thought were going to let me have it instead they said to me “I see the problem Ali, because he is lovely”. The Dean himself, during one of our little “chats” which he began with the question “are you guarding your heart Ali?”, said to me “he's a nice man”. Because he is. (I don’t say that because I think you should have the Dean on a pedestal, but because if you don’t know me or trust my judgment you might trust his). Not to mention the fact that he simply asked me somewhere, and it worked. I was 33 years old at the time, feeling like my hopes and dreams of marriage and family were slipping away, and that this might really be the last opportunity for me. I’d been at my church for four years and never been asked for coffee, I can count on one hand the number of single Christian guys anything like my age that I know, and I haven’t been asked since. (And if Rochester ever reads this then he should know that if it wasn’t that I found him so attractive and thought so highly of him, then the whole scenario would never have been a problem in the first place.)

So, hopefully now you appreciate that I understand this one. I’ll leave this very long post here and come back soon, with the reasons I discovered and worked through about why it is a faithless thing to do to date non-Christians.